No, Seriously…Stop Apologizing

Have you ever known someone who apologizes for everything? “Sorry the pen I lent you isn’t working.” “Sorry for causing you to [insert whatever it is you do because it’s your job or it’s no big deal].” “Sorry I couldn’t stop the sun from setting tonight…”

Okay, I got a little dramatic on the last one, but I bet you know someone like that, who constantly apologizes in situations where there’s no apology needed…or maybe you are that person. I’m glad you’re here. Seriously.

How many times a day do you think you say “I’m sorry”? If you say it at all and you haven’t actually hurt anybody, you’re saying it way more than you should. And here’s the tough love:

Apologizing when you don’t need to shows a lack of confidence.

Let me quickly admit that I used to be that person, and truthfully still can be sometimes. But I try to catch myself as often as I can! The reality is, most people (especially those who really care about you) are never looking for you to apologize for ANYTHING, unless you’ve actually done something wrong.

And I bet you don’t do something wrong 20 times a day. (I can hear your thoughts. Stop it right now. No, you don’t.)

In fact, an article on Inc.com is even titled “This 1 Word Makes Others Think Less of You, and You Probably Say It At Least 8 Times a Day.” And it goes on to say that women tend to do so more often than men. Without getting too much into the psychology of it, I’d venture to say it’s because we tend to take things more personally then men do. We internalize things. We make ourselves responsible for others’ actions, happiness, well-being, etc.

It’s not bad to care about others’ emotions or to want other people to be happy. But when the buffer we’re using is a constant “I’m sorry,” it reflects back on us.

Apologizing when you have no need to is “like looking for ways that you are ‘less than,’ and perhaps unconsciously gathering evidence to support a negative view of yourself” or “looking for reassurance that someone isn’t upset with you, or trying not to be a threat,” according to an article called “Over-apologizing and Your Self-Confidence.”

This is where we get into the idea that you are projecting so much lack, you’re almost apologizing for who you are…and maybe even apologizing for simply existing.

Think about it–if you know someone who apologizes all the time, for every little thing, even if they had nothing to do with it, it gets almost annoying and you want to grab their shoulders and tell them to stop! You want to get into their heads and convince them there’s nothing wrong with them, they didn’t DO anything wrong, and they are so much more worthy of love and acceptance than they’re giving themselves credit for.

Of course, the only person you can change is yourself. (As I sit here being the one to shake your shoulders and tell you to stop apologizing!) Let me encourage you to think about how often you apologize. Let the light go on if you are that person who says “I’m sorry” when you don’t have to.

Now what can you do to stop?

Simply pay attention to your words. Make a conscious effort to catch yourself if you feel the words “I’m sorry” about to creep out of your mouth when you haven’t done anything wrong.

Then replace it with:

-Excuse me. (“Excuse me, could you answer this question for me?”)

-Thank you. (Instead of “I’m sorry for being late,” try “Thank you for waiting.” You’re still being polite with that phrasing!)

-Or NOTHING. Just don’t say anything other than the rest of your sentence. Just skip the apology.

It’s going to take time to stop yourself. Like I mentioned, I still find myself saying it when I don’t need to sometimes. Acknowledge that it’s a work in progress. Don’t beat yourself up if you catch yourself saying it. But acknowledge it and keep trying.

Absolutely go ahead and apologize when it’s warranted, if you’ve actually hurt someone.

But if all you did was bump into a chair…then don’t say it!

Take a scary challenge below in the comments–be BRAVE and write down your commitment to NOT apologizing!

And please SHARE this article with someone who needs it!