Confidence Keys: The Difference Between Walls and Shields

We’ve all known someone who’s put a wall up around themselves, specifically their heart, claiming that if they don’t let anyone in, then at least they can’t get hurt. Maybe we’ve been that person ourselves. But I believe a big key to becoming truly confident is knowing the difference between walls and shields, and choosing shields.

No one likes to feel hurt, so it’s quite logical to start building a wall, especially if you’ve been hurt by multiple people over the years, or even if just one person hurt you pretty badly. But let me persuade you to choose a shield instead.

One big key to confidence is learning not to take things personally. I’m still working on breaking this down so it’s in a teachable form, as it’s a big step to learn and can take a lot of time and practice. The main thing, though, is understanding that nothing anyone says or does is because of you.

And yes, that’s true even if they explicitly, blatantly said something to you, about you, etc. The things people say and do ALWAYS stem from their own perception and experiences, especially if they’re mean.

It’s important to remember that anytime someone hurts you, and that will help you to let things roll off of you more easily. This is when you put up the shield briefly so they can’t get to you.

If you’re really secure in who you are, and you know and firmly believe in the truth about yourself, or a specific situation that is being talked about, then all you need is the shield. It’s inevitable that some things might get through and still make you feel bad (it’s unrealistic to expect that being positive will always prevent you from having bad days, sad moments, hurt feelings, etc.), but if you can learn to block the majority of the negative, you can recover faster from the things that do sneak through.

So why not a wall? We all crave love and acceptance, even the most crotchety, rude people you can name. But by blocking everyone out all the time in order to prevent getting hurt, there’s no opportunity for anyone to get in to share love. If no one can get to know the real you, unfortunately there’s more opportunity for loneliness…and misunderstandings. You’re more likely to feel like people don’t “get” you, and that’s because it’s impossible to be confident in who you are, or share your true self, when you have walls up. You might think you are, but there’s still a level of lack there–you’re not letting anyone in, and you’re also not letting yourself out!

Brace yourself for some tough love–don’t expect anyone to come and knock those walls down for you. Sure, it could happen, but it takes a LOT of effort on the other person’s part (which can lead to a lot of frustration), and more importantly, YOU have to WANT those walls down in the first place. What really happens in those situations is not that someone else purposely breaks the walls down, but that you choose to break them down yourself in response to that person.

Yes, you open yourself up to more possibility of being hurt. But a) you have more possibility of being loved and understood, b) it’s easier to be yourself and be positive, and you get back what you put out into the world, and c) you’ll literally feel lighter, with less mental and emotional weight on your shoulders.

It will take time and practice to break down any walls you have up. You might have programmed yourself to respond in a particular way to certain people or situations. It’s time to become aware of the things you say and do, so you can notice if you’re perhaps driving people away unintentionally. Then you can start taking steps to make changes.

The important thing is to continue working on those changes REGARDLESS of how other people might still treat you (or how you’re viewing the way they’re treating you–accept that it could be more your perception than their actual actions). This is one of the first steps to becoming confident with who you really are. The end is that you’re eventually so confident that it truly doesn’t matter to you what other people think of you. You learn how to use the shield instead of adding another brick to your wall (Pink Floyd reference unintentional…).

With the wall down, you still don’t have to let anybody and everybody in. Go ahead and use the shield as much as you need, but work on using it less and less over time, and eventually only in situations where it’s really needed. And in those situations, cling to those you HAVE let in for more support and love!

It’s a long journey, but it’s worth starting.

Need some help starting your journey to confidence? Creating your own affirmations can help! Check out my Affirmations Workbook here!